If you've got a college freshman in the family, that's the question you may ask next week when your offspring comes home for Thanksgiving break.

For many freshmen, the four-day holiday is their first trip home since they headed off to school nearly three months ago. They have new friends, new freedoms, maybe even a new look.

This can be unsettling for parents who aren't prepared. And, when the freshman gets home, fitting back into the family with its old rules and expectations can upset him or her, too.

“The first visit home is always a challenge,” said Pam Graesser, a counselor at Rivier College and Daniel Webster College in Nashua.

“Mom, Dad and student all have different expectations,” she continued. “Parents expect their kid to come home, help around the house, participate in family activities and keep curfew. They wonder, ‘Who is this person that I don't recognize?' The kid's been on his or her own at college, wants to sleep late, catch up with high school friends and wonders, ‘What do my parents want from me?' Everyone's changed.”

But if parents and freshmen communicate, sharing concerns and expectations before Thanksgiving break, stress can be avoided.

Graesser addresses this with parents, beginning at freshman orientation in June.

“I encourage them to start talking about it in June -- addressing this stuff early makes it easier,” said Graesser, director of counseling at Rivier for 13 years and a counselor at Daniel Webster the past two years.

This week, she talks with freshmen about Thanksgiving homecoming in a program called “Going Home.” It delves into the ups and downs of coming home for the holidays after being away from home for the first time.

It will be presented on Wednesday at 5:30 p.m. in Daniel Webster's Gates Hall first-floor lounge and on Thursday at 7 p.m. in Rivier College's Guild Hall first-floor lounge. The public is invited to attend.

“We're targeting freshmen, since it affects them the most,” she said. “We'll have staff and faculty there, wearing their parents' hats and sharing their experiences when their own children came home. Upperclassmen will talk about their first time coming home. We hope this will help alleviate some of the stress,” said Graesser.

Nancye Tuttle's e-mail address is ntuttle@lowellsun.com.

How Not to Bug Your Kid

Help! My college freshman is coming home for the first time. How do I handle it in a positive way?

-- Respect the student's new status as an adult. You sent your student to a community that treats students as adults, and you need to do that, too.

-- When it comes to a curfew, don't set one. But asking the student to call if he/she expects to be later than a certain time is a common courtesy you'd ask of any guest staying under your roof. Explain that you worry about his or her safety and that this is not an unreasonable request.

-- Say positive things, even if she's dyed her hair purple or he's tattooed his torso.

-- Bite your tongue, grit your teeth and get information gently.

-- Use your third ear -- listen, listen and listen some more.

-- Ignore unopened book bags.

-- Give. Hug them hard when they leave after the weekend. And send them away with cookies or a little extra cash.

From Pam Graesser of Daniel Webster College and Rivier College.

How Not to Annoy Your Parents

I'm heading home for Thanksgiving, my first weekend home from college. What should I do when it comes to handling the folks?

-- Talk with parents about school, friends, finances, goals, your major and grades. They're still your parents and want to be included in your new life. If you talk to them, the changes going on will be less scary for them.

-- Prepare them ahead of time for changes in your appearance (piercings, tattoos, dyed hair) and give them time to adjust to it if it's a big one.

-- Talk about how you want to spend your time over your break and be willing to compromise.

-- Respect their concerns for your safety and call if they've asked you to when you go out with your friends.

From Pam Graesser at Rivier College and Daniel Webster College.